I Can Do Hard Things

In different stages of my life I have imagined different applicable mantras stenciled into the walls of my home. Since I've been renting my entire adult life, these mantra-stencils remain imaginary. On the walls of my current home are imaginary-stenciled the words:

I Can Do Hard Things.

Living in the city is not convenient. In order to enjoy it all and finally adjust, I had to realize that just because simple things like getting in the car or grocery shopping aren't easy, it doesn't mean I can't do it. It just means it's hard. This mantra has opened up a lot of doors for me.

Today I think I'll share some personal thoughts from my journal. Some of you may think this is being a little too "open", but I'm a believer in being candid and not pretending that everything is always perfect. You will find, in the end, that everything, is, indeed, wonderful.

These are excerpts from Monday, April 6, 2009:

I'll never forget the moment I got a positive pregnancy test for the first time. In the Briar Ave bathroom, Spencer close behind me. I checked the little stick... The line was barely there, but it was there. I remember the feeling of relief and pure, new excitement and joy. There were no feelings of confusion or fear, just joy and yearning for all that was to soon be.

Then the second time: it had been a long 6 months. Month after month we had failed. Month after month the anxiety had built and expectations had solidified and each time it all crashed down with the knowledge that it would be at least another 28 days of anxiety. By the time this month had rolled along, I had finally overdosed on anxiety and had no expectations... [When the test showed positive] we smiled and kissed and felt that all was finally right. We cheered that the next addition to our family was finally on her way, and so welcome, too. We felt thankful that I hadn't gotten pregnant when I wanted to, as I would have been nearly full-term at a time that just didn't make sense. We could see that, now.

Today: Spencer came to me this morning in the kitchen and suggested I take a test before he goes to school, since today was the day that he had to submit a $1000.00 deposit for our South African travel abroad program we had happily been accepted to for next winter semester (which would mean we would get there in December). Since we knew that [a pregnancy] would be the one thing that would change those plans without doubt, we thought we'd better be sure. I watched the lines [on the pregnancy test] form. I saw one form in the first window and one in the second window. I ordered Spencer to grab the box so I could check what the results meant.

Positive? What? That wasn't supposed to happen! I said to Spencer over and over, "Is this a joke? This has got to be a joke." And then I laughed uncontrollably. Spencer had a very happily surprised look on his face and he grabbed my face and buried his face in the crook of my neck and told me he was happy about it. I began to feel feverish. I began to shake and feel faint. I fell to my knees. I believe I was literally in shock, now that I think about it. Spencer came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. "You can do hard things," He reminded me .... I was so grateful for his calming influence and his general excitement about our news.

I told him to get me another test immediately. I must have done something wrong, I thought. I knew that was completely ridiculous and yet I believed it. I called Robyn and asked to borrow one (as I know that, like me, she keeps them on hand :) ). She agreed to trade me for two packages of Ramen [you can see how casual an occurrence it is for me to call and ask for a pregnancy test!] and Spencer returned home with a test quickly. Meanwhile I drank and drank and drank and drank so that I could take the test. Of course it was positive. I knew it would be...

I was sad that my body was not mine like I had planned for it to be this year. I was shocked that Campbell would only be about 16 1/2 months old on my due date. Cadence herself would only be 3 1/2 and not as much help as I had expected she would be the third time around. We wouldn't get to go to South Africa.

But we would have a baby! Another amazing little spirit joining our family. Another little being for me to love with all my heart and to nurture and learn from and to see Spencer do the same with. Another little reason to laugh, smile, another thing to hug and kiss all day and night. It would be hard, but we're not talking about a challenge at work or school here, we're talking about a baby, and it will be worth it. Although my pregnancies are difficult, I've come to appreciate that the sacrifices I make in pregnancy: from the nausea and fatigue to the fatness and backaches, each little discomfort brings me closer to my babies and teaches me to forget myself for the good of the one who is coming forth from me.

I can't wait to get to know the little spirit that just couldn't wait to join our family and to see what kind of new ingredients he or she adds to our mix. You shocked me nearly to death, my little surprise, but you are as welcome as can be.

So there you have it. I'm ten weeks pregnant today as I post this. I am definitely feeling it, but I'm happy to report that so far this pregnancy hasn't been quite as bad (sick-wise) as the last. In fact, I suspect that for the first time I will actually gain weight in my first half of the pregnancy.

Spencer has made every effort to be around to help as much as possible, and Trevor provides some valuable help, too (Spencer does floors, Trevor does dishes, etc.). My friends in my ward are bringing us meals twice a week, and friends in and out of the ward have offered to take my kids whenever I need some time to rest. I'm so grateful for all the help I've had. It takes a village. Seriously.

Oh, I guess I should mention that the due date is Dec. 9.

Oh, and you should know that we are not going to find out the sex of this baby until he/she is born. We just thought we'd go along with the theme: SURPRISE!